The story of Keanu Sleeve: how an Altered Carbon video game might stack up

sammy

Altered Carbon. Altered Carbon. Richard Morgan’s wonderfully miserable science-fiction universe is a cloning ground for a supremely super-awesome video game – a game so supremely super-awesome that it’ll absolutely blow your stack.

First, the setup: Altered Carbon tells of a world where the human mind is stored on a ‘stack’, a device stored at the top of the spine. The body dies, the mind lives.

The result: nobody – rich or poor – ever truly kicks it.

Unless, of course, they happen to suffer a bolt gun to the spine.

So, if your stack is whacked, you can’t come back – a premise within which lies video game brilliance.

And who’s our handsome protagonist with a tragic past and a gruff blower?

Keanu. Keanu Sleeve.

It doesn’t make sense now, but it will.

Believe.

Continue reading “The story of Keanu Sleeve: how an Altered Carbon video game might stack up”

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The Monster Hunter double-cross – and why it’s time to grab some latex yellows

mH WORLD

The internet’s hunt for the truth behind the release of a would-be Mon-Hun Generations follow-up has been seemingly poo-pooed by Capcom, as the publisher has dropped a monumentally colossal dung. Specifically, that it has no plans to release the pseudo-sequel in the West – or so it claims.

Well, crap.

And while Capcom’s specific wording is ostensibly designed to throw us off the scent, figuring out what in the World is going on isn’t perhaps such a monstrous task.

Because this absolutely reeks of regional exclusivity.

So, it’s time to pick up some yellow latex and drop a little dignity.

Time to go dung diving.

Continue reading “The Monster Hunter double-cross – and why it’s time to grab some latex yellows”

Why Bungie’s shared-world shooter was destined for Blizzard’s platform

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Kill stuff to find stuff to kill bigger stuff to find better stuff to kill even bigger and better stuff – that’s the ever-spinning, multi-coloured hamster wheel of Bungie’s shared-world shooter, Destiny.

And with the announcement that Destiny 2 will be offered through Blizzard’s digital platform comes an interesting message: that this game’s stuff won’t quite be the same as the last game’s stuff.

Because the shared-world through which we’ll collect this set of stuff isn’t quite a game – it’s a service.

And to keep in theme with finding stuff, the ‘Continue reading’ button below actually signals the completion of this excerpt and will reward you with a random exotic item.*

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Wolf-man seeks other: why a man-sized menace is Bloodborne’s top dog

papa g

Wolf-man seeks other.

Likes: blood, Gothic architecture, insidious acts of violence, serrated edges and My Little Pony.

Dislikes: Bloodborne players, tiny music boxes, cats, baths, thunderstorms and the postman.

Name: Father Gascoigne.

Occupation: miserymonger.

Temperament: demise incarnate.

Continue reading “Wolf-man seeks other: why a man-sized menace is Bloodborne’s top dog”

Ahab and his explosive, gravity-defying whale: the beauty of Mario Kart’s randomnessness

You make a brew, it’s there. You take a dump, it’s there. You sit in the corner of a totally-hipster coffee shop with your one-pound bevy hoping everyone notices just how supremely cool you are for playing Switch, it’s there.

You are Ahab – and this ‘it’ is your explosive, gravity-defying whale, the monster that took the last leg of your last race.

It’s haunting, it’s horrifying and it’s absolutely infuriating.

But it also represents the best thing about Mario Kart.

Those lovely flashing boxes. Those goddamn blue-shell-carrying beauties.

Continue reading “Ahab and his explosive, gravity-defying whale: the beauty of Mario Kart’s randomnessness”

Robot dogs and sombreros: decoding Metal Gear Rising’s stance on determinism

I’m on that part. You know – that part. The bit with the red-energy thing that happens to the person with the robot body. The bit that, even by the so-solid standards of its husky-voiced, hand-haunting, cigarette-smoking brethren, is a few transistors short of a microchip.

Yeah – that part.

But if we neatly slice away the weird, this particular scene invites one to splurge about the nature of determinism and freewill.

Incomprehensible splurge program initiating. 

Namely, whether or not those being killed by the the killer – the seminal ninja-pirate-cyborg hero – have a choice. Or, if any of us really have a choice.

Incomprehensible splurge program activated.

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That time I nakedly played a sequel to Eternal Darkness with a crack team of NATO mecha-monkeys

People call me crazy. Seriously: crazy. “Mad,” they say. “Insane,” they cry. They claim I’m deluded – that I don’t know what I’m talking about. They say that thing I believed totally gone done happened couldn’t have gone done happened at all.

Surprisingly, though, claims of my insanity have no ties to my questionable understanding of syntax.

So, what was the thing? I played a sequel to Eternal Darkness.

It was a thing of beauty, too – a wonderful, awesome thing. Made by a developer that goes by the name of Slightly-Mischievous Puppy, the Eternal Darkness sequel featured a slew of sanity effects imbued with the horror of contemporary industry tropes and a super-shiny co-op mode.

That said, I was naked at the time, having just given a speech to NATO’s crack team of hyper-intelligent mecha-monkeys about the importance of funding direct sequels to really awesome video games – and why overly-long post previews are evidence of one’s slipping grasp on reality.

But don’t let the naked-NATO-mecha-monkey thing fuel your doubts. Read on.

Because that’s what the monkeys want you to do. And what they want is important.

Because one day – one day soon – they will reign supreme.

For they will rule us all.

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