A crumpled blog post: the untold tragedies of Capcom’s house of horrors

A crumpled blog post: the untold tragedies of Capcom’s house of horrors

They’re clawing at the door. All they do is make noises about those things: the dog and the window, the tank controls, the pre-rendered environments, the puzzles. They’re the last thing I’ll ever hear about, too.

I fear my time is nearly over. But before that time expires, I must craft a compelling case for why Resident Evil is as much defined by its tragedy as anything else. It’s a facet of the game not nearly as iconic as its technical and mechanical counterparts, but as critical and influential all the same.

Tell my pet kitten, The Annihilator, that she’s totally awesome and to seek indentured servitude with an equally mediocre master when I’m gone.

– A crumpled blog writer and owner of a kitty called ‘The Annihilator’

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Side quests – and why Prey is a reminder of what makes video games so special

Side quests – and why Prey is a reminder of what makes video games so special

See that semi-colon all the way down there?

You can actually scroll down to that semi-colon.

It may not actually be all that interesting – it’s there solely for the sake of a silly post introduction. But it is there. You can put your cursor over it, too.

Said semi-colon isn’t an especially well-developed, mechanically rich piece of punctuation, mind you. It’s something to go and do for the sake of going and doing something.

But at least it’s something to do; it racks up the numbers: number of quests, amount of time, number of characters – it’s all about time, size and selling points.

Enter Prey: a game in which side quests actually feel mechanically meaningful. It’s not unique in this, of course – but it’s an apt reminder that a simple side quest can be as intense and harrowing as its bigger, mainline brothers.

And it’s all because Prey’s Talos I is a super-massive, monster-infested, moon-orbiting space-casino.

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Sausages, custard and a bit of mustard – why The New Order works

Sausages, custard and a bit of mustard – why The New Order works

Them: “Welcome to Murder King – can I take your order?”

Me: “I’ll have sausages, custard and a bit of mustard, please.”

Them: “Sir…”

Me: “And to drink, I’ll have a pint of your finest tomato soup.”

Them: “Sir… those things don’t really go together. That’s not the kind of order we would normally do here.”

Me: “Damn straight it’s not – because this isn’t any old order…”

Me: “…this is a goddamn New Order.”

And it goes together beautifully.

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Heroes wanted – people skills not required

Heroes wanted – people skills not required

Heroes wanted. Exciting new opportunity to wrestle vast swaths of abandoned real estate from the clutches of all-consuming evil. Must appreciate architecture, fine decor and highly varnished surfaces.

Ideal candidate will have previous experience wandering through empty city blocks and smashing wooden crates.

People skills not required.

Unless those people are shooting at you.

And happen to be aliens.

And you’re able to shoot back with some vague degree of accuracy.

Oh, it’s freelance too – so no sick pay for you, buddy.

Hey, the Romans didn’t have it – and they built a goddamn empire.

It had people in it, too.

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PSA: Coke and Pepsi should be armament-free beverages

PSA: Coke and Pepsi should be armament-free beverages

Coke and Pepsi – two multiplayer-centric, war-themed shooters.

Battlefield and Call of Duty – two sweet, sugary beverages.

The comparison, natural. The similarities, obvious.

Actually, I’m not sure that’s quite right. I mean there’s not actually guns in my can of Coke – that’s absurd. And there’s no tanks in my Pepsi, either. If so, they should totally recall that: I hear tanks can give you a really nasty case of the runs.

So, there’s lots of sugar in Battlefield. Sorry: guns, I mean guns – there’s guns in EA and Activision’s seminal shooters. Lots of them, too.

Let’s start again: Battlefield is Coke, Call of Duty is Pepsi. They’re nearly almost identical on the surface – but very, very different.

To clarify: Coke and Pepsi do not contain guns and tanks. Your fizzy beverage should be an armament-free situation.

If it’s not, write a strongly worded letter.

Or consult a medical professional – immediately.

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The story of Keanu Sleeve: how an Altered Carbon video game might stack up

The story of Keanu Sleeve: how an Altered Carbon video game might stack up

Altered Carbon. Altered Carbon. Richard Morgan’s wonderfully miserable science-fiction universe is a cloning ground for a supremely super-awesome video game – a game so supremely super-awesome that it’ll absolutely blow your stack.

First, the setup: Altered Carbon tells of a world where the human mind is stored on a ‘stack’, a device stored at the top of the spine. The body dies, the mind lives.

The result: nobody – rich or poor – ever truly kicks it.

Unless, of course, they happen to suffer a bolt gun to the spine.

So, if your stack is whacked, you can’t come back – a premise within which lies video game brilliance.

And who’s our handsome protagonist with a tragic past and a gruff blower?

Keanu. Keanu Sleeve.

It doesn’t make sense now, but it will.

Believe.

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Wolf-man seeks other: why a man-sized menace is Bloodborne’s top dog

Wolf-man seeks other: why a man-sized menace is Bloodborne’s top dog

Wolf-man seeks other.

Likes: blood, Gothic architecture, insidious acts of violence, serrated edges and My Little Pony.

Dislikes: Bloodborne players, tiny music boxes, cats, baths, thunderstorms and the postman.

Name: Father Gascoigne.

Occupation: miserymonger.

Temperament: demise incarnate.

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