Marvin, that’s what we’ll call him. Marvin. Let’s say this Marvin worked on Final Fantasy X HD Remaster. And let’s say Marvin had one job: the in-game combat menu.
But let’s say Marvin was having a bad day, a bad week – a bad everything. And let’s suppose Marvin forgot to push the ‘let’s-make-the-in-game-combat-menu-awesome-like-it-was-15-years-ago’ button.
And as a result of Marvin’s ‘off everything’ – a Moogle-sized blunder with Sin-sized consequences – Final Fantasy X Remaster is now almost unplayable. This lovely, pixel-injected, re-textured, re-recorded beauty of a remaster is – because of silly old Marvin – inferior to its 640×480 counterpart.
Because of Marvin – that absolute son of a behemoth – an otherwise brilliant remaster is not so brilliant.
Goddamit, Marvin, you had one job. One job.
But while Marvin is very much a fictional character plucked from my caffeine-fueled imagination, Final Fantasy X Remaster’s split-second battle menu delay is very much real. And much to my incredible annoyance – and my subsequent annoyance about that annoyance – it demolishes the pace of the game’s combat.
That, sweet delicious combat.
That Marvin-mandated menu delay (thanks to an animation absent from the 2001 original) gives the illusion of input lag in a menu-based game.
So, I screen-crack my way into battle, plan in hand. It’s an Ochu. It’s big, it’s nasty – and it’s in dire need of a box o’ tic tacs and a giant sword to the face.
I’m pumped. I’m primed to go – “Let’s do this, bro.” He roars. I respond. But the menu doesn’t. It’s not ready. I am, of course – I’m always ready to kick some monster ass – but the menu isn’t. Marvin was a bad parent to the updated menu.
And this is where the frustration kicks in: the formulation of my battle plan is faster than Marvin’s boxed offspring. The buoyancy and confidence I waddle into battle with – and I do waddle, by the way – immediately dissipates in the split-second it takes the menu to get out of bed.
If I could collar Marvin the Menu guy, then – which I would gently, because we all know Marvin is a soft, well-intentioned soul – I’d ask him to copy Cid the Sound guy, the guy who wisely gave us the ability to switch between new and old soundtracks.
And Cid, I suspect, is a friend of Harry the Halo guy – a guy who worked on Halo: The Masterchief Collection. A guy who gave us the option to switch between old and new games.
That’s not to say Final Fantasy X Remaster is a simple cash in. In fact, quite the opposite: Final Fantasy X Remaster is a plastic surgery addict who underwent a procedure too far – Marvin with the knife, of course.
If you’re reading this, Marv, please, change it back.
Now, I waddle onto obtain the PC version to see if I can out-mod Marvin’s handywork.
Goddamit, Marvin, you had one job.